Earlier tonight, I lied to my boyfriend for the first time. He asked me if I had done any drugs. I said that I had smoked weed maybe ten different times while in the U.S. (True). I said that I had tried coke once, seventeen years ago while I was living in Las Vegas and had been opposing my friends there who used it for months. (True). Then he said, But I thought you took some pills as well, I said no. (False). He kept looking at me, I said no, he said why are you looking so funny, I said because I lied. Yes, I did try Molly once. Seven years ago at a party. (True). I don't know why I lied, I guess it was because the conversation was making me feel uncomfortable. Because I hate drugs. Anyone who actually does drugs recreationally would know that my 38-year-old level of experience with drugs is nothing. But it's not nothing. I did theses things, so I can't say I did nothing, although I did do next to nothing. And now he feels, or this already confirms his feeling, that he can't trust me. Trust is the biggest issue in this relationship, but more on that later. I told him I was sorry. I am deeply sorry. And I said that if anything, this should prove to him that I can't lie. I was able to lie to him for less than a minute and my face was already giving me away. It does not make it undone, but I like to focus on the positive side of things. And with him I sometimes feels that he is looking for someone perfect who does not exist, and that this first year of our relationship is a vetting process. I get the feeling that he is looking to misunderstand me, or find faults so that he doesn't have to commit this one last time (he has already been engaged three times before, a red flag if there ever was one) but he is also the most loving, wonderful, funny, charming man I've met. When he shines his love on me it's all I ever need in the world. When he doesn't it feels like something within me shrinks and withers.