This morning I woke up from someone caressing me and kissing my ears. I asked if he was done thinking, said that he had made a decision not to be intimate, a decision that was hurtful to me but that I respected. His behavior was not putting me in the mood, and he agreed it was hypocritical. At grandma's for lunch he said I was the sunshine of his life. Walking home from the movie he told me that he would have wanted me to cook for him at the house one time. I said that I had offered to do so but he turned it down, and that I was under the impression that he wanted to go out and eat and enjoy the city before returning to the country kitchen on Lipsi. Never before had he eaten breakfast so why would I assume that he wanted to join me for breakfast in the kitchen? I said that I am more than happy to cook for him any of the remaining days. No, that's not the same. It would have been nice if you had insisted on it, now when it was something he suggested it wasn't the same. I
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Yesterday he was grumpy in the morning, walking me to and from yoga. We had a lovely nap together and things were good. I went to see my best friend and felt empowered by her reminding me of things like, You are the best what on earth does he need to think about? When I walked Kungsgatan back and texted him to meet up, we did meet up and he got upset for me taking a different route, accused me of walking wobbly and of taking drugs at her house, got upset because there was no American bar at Haymarket, where I meant at the Haymarket hotel. Etc, etc. I felt strong and fierce and really told him off that this behavior and these ridiculous accusations have to stop. We had some beers at the international and cleared the air and could laugh about it. Things were great and fun.
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Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend suggest that we should try being friends for a while. Or at least not to be intimate with each other. Why? Because he needs to figure out if he can be with me based on who I am and how I think. The main issues are that I hug people too much, that I go skinny dipping at the beach (in the morning when no one is there) and that he doesn’t feel special. I treat everyone with this endless affection and he won’t believe me that he is the most special one. I am obsessed with cuddling. He has never seen anyone hug people for so long. It’s unnatural. All of this makes me feel sad.
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Earlier tonight, I lied to my boyfriend for the first time. He asked me if I had done any drugs. I said that I had smoked weed maybe ten different times while in the U.S. (True). I said that I had tried coke once, seventeen years ago while I was living in Las Vegas and had been opposing my friends there who used it for months. (True). Then he said, But I thought you took some pills as well, I said no. (False). He kept looking at me, I said no, he said why are you looking so funny, I said because I lied. Yes, I did try Molly once. Seven years ago at a party. (True). I don't know why I lied, I guess it was because the conversation was making me feel uncomfortable. Because I hate drugs. Anyone who actually does drugs recreationally would know that my 38-year-old level of experience with drugs is nothing . But it's not nothing. I did theses things, so I can't say I did nothing, although I did do next to nothing. And now he feels, or this already confirms his feeling, that he